what do YOU want?

 I feel like that’s the hardest question for me to answer.

People always ask. What do you want for lunch? dinner?

MY ANSWER: I don’t know. I don’t really care. I can eat everything and anything.

It annoys me when people tell me to stop being lazy and think. The answer once again is I really have no idea what I want to eat. I’m not craving anything nor can I think of anything to eat.

Now I know that some people can relate to what I mean about not caring or having a clue about what you want to eat.

However…

The question of WHAT DO I WANT IN GENERAL [about anything in life] still seems so unanswerable.

I really can’t figure out what I want. Whether it’s because I learned to keep my hardships to myself, not wanting to bother others with them or have them worry about me. Or whether it’s because (I don’t want to say self-less because I know I’m not self-less at all; in fact at times I can be very selfish) but sometimes I feel like I worry so much about what other people want, or what would make other people happy that I got so used to not really doing what I wanted. Now I’m stuck in a place where I can’t even figure out what I want. EVER.

I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing.

Don’t get me wrong. I definitely do things I like to do or want to do. But If you ever ask me what I want [EVER], I wouldn’t have an answer.

I mean I know I want a close, happy family when I grow up. I want a job I like. I want to live a happy life and die loving God. beyond that..

I can’t give you an answer about…

            what I want different in my life

            when I’m annoyed or mad, I don’t know what I want done to change that

            I don’t know what I want to hear from others

            and I definitely don’t know what I want to gain out of this year

or… my time at school. my time at church. my time with friends. and even my relationship with “self”

I guess I’m just hoping that all this “thinking” while blogging about myself will help me learn what and how I need to change or just help me understand and know myself better. Why I do the things I do, why I feel the way I feel, and why I just can’t figure out what it is that I want.