I DO

[I haven't had time to reflect and blog lately. Now that I'm back at school my life has been hectic and classes are already killing me. I truthfully started this post a while back, but I never got around to finishing it... I've also been debating whether or not to post this. I started blogging to reflect and learn more about myself, but now I'm realizing that I don't want to throw myself out there in the open. Everything I write is personal and sometimes I feel as though it is too personal; allowing people I know or DON'T know to really know me. But since I started with the intention of being fully truthful and not holding back... HERE I GO once again..]

I DO…

IM A SELFISH PERSON.

I do what I want to do.

I do things without thinking about how it will affect others around me.

I do things without thinking about who I’m disappointing.

I do things without caring about what others are going to think about me.

I do things whether I should or shouldn’t do them.

I say things thinking only about me.

I’m a smartass when it comes to things I don’t wanna hear about anymore.

the only stupid thing is that I do all of the things above only to my family and people that I’m really really really close to. (I'm not saying I'm like this ALL THE TIME... But the fact that I go through this thought process even here and there... I'm still doing it.)

I can’t seem to say NO to others.

My only answer is YES or that ILL TRY.

I jump to help strangers. I throw out a helping hand without any thought.

But when it comes to family, I only help myself.

I’m nice to others whether I’m mad, sad, or annoyed.

I try to hold everything in and not show it. Pretending like everything’s okay.

However, when it comes to family, I show every single emotion I feel.

Whether it’s through my words or my actions.

I don’t know why, I just can’t seem to help it.

I do it almost instinctively.

Some people might say that I’m being fake. Pretending to be this nice girl on the outside. However, I know for some odd reason that the real me is that girl outside. I love to smile, I love to laugh, and I love to live life carefree. I love to help people and would throw out a helping hand to any friend if I could. I feel as though, although I love helping others, all the stress I guess that comes from helping others [that I clearly don’t realize exists] backfires and affects how I act towards people I truly love. I guess the time I spend with my family is a breather for me. The few moments I have to relax. Guess in that moment I become comfortable expressing myself.  And in that moment. BOOM. The small tone in voice, the slight facial expression says all too much. Then everyone is affected by my emotions…

People say every action has a consequence, whether good or bad.

I guess my problem is not knowing my limits. Not knowing when enough is enough. Not realizing that I’ve already done enough or that I don’t need to be the one to help in that specific situation.

I’m able to help others because I want to, I need to also be able to allow myself to take a breather if helping others is affecting me in a negative way. I can’t just come home and let it all out to my family and close friends. I have to learn to simply say NO MORE or that I’m done.

You might think that this is a simple solution. But to me, it’s not so simple.

You might just say… Why are you helping others? I’m not asking for your help... And THIS might sound stupid to you but truthfully… It’s just me.

I’m sick and tired of affecting people I love negatively. I just wanna be that girl 10 years ago that couldn’t stop laughing. That shared everything with her family, especially her brother. No secrets, No hurt. That responsible girl that I know still exists somewhere inside.

So, the selfish girl and the girl who wants to help the whole world is one person. The same person, not being fake or pretending to be someone else. Just a girl still learning to balance everything in life. Learning to have fun and enjoy life, while learning my limits and at what point I should stop. A girl that has her guard up, someone that has a hard time saying no. Someone that knows and wants to change for the better…